a little lesson i find sublime

"Live life fully while you're here.
Experience everything.
Take care of yourself and your friends.
Have fun, be crazy, be weird.
Go out and screw up!
You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process.
Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes:
find the cause of your problem and eliminate it.
Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human."


~ Anthony Robbins (b. 1960); self-help writer, speaker

♫

When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder.
Everything moved me.
A dog following a stranger, that made me feel so much.
A calender that showed the wrong month.
I could've cried over it.
I did.
Where the smoke from a chimney ended.
How an overtuned bottle rested at the edge of a table.
I spent my life learning to feel less.


©

♫

♥

For my boys

~

Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life.

~ Maureen Hawkins ~

♥

♫

Somehow we survive and tenderness does not wither.

I sat by your bed while you were sleeping,
I watched you as you smiled through your dreams.
I traced your ear, your cheek, touched your silky hair.
Your soft, sleepy sounds enthralled me
I couldn't resist your magic

It tugged at my heartstrings
my enchantment with you filled my heart
I settled next to you, holding your tiny hand in mine.
While you were sleeping;
I fell in love with you all over again.


(on your first birthday)









I sang a thousand lullabies to him,
about magic and princesses and happiness under the full moon.
I danced with him through a thousand fairy tales.
The only magic I have left is love.
Smoke and incense and mirrors have vanished,
I spin a web of hope to catch him.
I see wounds appearing for which I have no cure,
we are bruising ourselves against the walls of the labyrinth.
I stitch his heart to mine, his pain becomes my own.


♥

(written while we were waiting for the INS to decide
about citizenship).

©

You make me smile

For my beloved children

Let me tell you just a few things I've learned about life.


I've learned that no matter how much I care,

some people just don't care back.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing
and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we feel,
no matter what others do.
I've learned that either you control your attitude,
or it controls you.
I've learned that true friends accept you as you are,
but that would never stop you from trying to change.
I've learned that the smallest secret can change your life forever.

I've learned that you should always tell your loved ones loving words.


Just one more thing -
I love you more than life itself.

♫

Sitting on Oupa's lap on the porch of his house in Windsorton.

♫

All dressed up and beautified for Oupa.

♥

Oupa always brought a brown paper bag full of Sunrise toffees,
sticky and gooey and sweet
and we would eat it
sugary sweet saliva
dripping
from our lips
like honey

♫


©

We can only speak of the things we carried with us,
and the things we took away.

♥

Beaufort West

I was watching a documentary about Gert Vlok Nel, born and bred in Beaufort West, South Africa.

The ancient San people had a name for the area where Beaufort West is situated; they called it "Karoo" in their language, meaning "land of great thirst".

They could not have described this vast, arid, stark, unforgiving and yet so awesome and dazzlingly beautiful landscape more aptly.

Many years ago I spent a long, hot summer in Beaufort West. As part of my studies I had to do some practical work in an orphanage, and I chose to go to the little village of Beaufort West.

The Karoo is more of a feeling, an experience than a geographical place. Early morning I walked to the orphanage which was situated on the outskirts of the village; walking in a dirt road, the sun already hot and dry and the air smelling like dust and sunshine; the shadows long in front of me. Late afternoon I walked back to where I lodged, the shadows long behind me, blue, blue sky and never a cloud, only the blindingly hot African sun.

And it was eerily quiet, except for the sounds of crickets and the odd, brave bird calling in the heat. I did not hear anything, but in the stillness I also heard everything. The voices of history echoing from the rocks and from the dirt and the dust, millions of years of people and forgotten places, the sun blazing down and blood buzzing in my ears.

Ek het gedink ek het dit alles al vergeet ...


©

Days of ghosts and old roses

Oupa lived in an old creaking house on the banks of the Vaal River.

The house was very big and very old with many rooms where ghosts lived a secret life. They only came out at night, and only when I was there because Oupa said he
never saw or heard them.


My mom grew up in this house. Oupa spoiled her, I think he felt sorry for her because her mother died when she was very young. She used to tell me stories of all the times Oupa took her shopping in Kimberley, buying her the most beautiful clothes. Silk and satin and lace long evening dresses, linen suits and classy high heeled shoes and gorgeous hats and gloves.


My favorite room was the pink room where mom used to sleep. It had dusky floral wallpaper and smelled like old roses and dust. In the corner was a dressing table with a huge round mirror. I would dance around in front of it, pretending to be Alice, dreaming of the White Rabbit and Cheshire Cat.

I loved going there and staying over as my cousins lived there as well. I think Oupa did not know how to keep us busy as it had been a long time since my mom was a little girl of about 5.

We used to play in the cemetery on all the old graves. We played hide and seek and also replaced the dead flowers in the flowerpots with fresh tree branches.

At night Oupa went to bed early, so we had to go to our room and be quiet. Mara, Elsa and I shared a bed. Oupa left a candle burning for us and we would watch the flickering shadows on the wall and in the mirror. We would see the ghosts coming out and dancing around in the room, shadowy transparent figures floating over us and out of the door.

We hugged each other in the dark, too afraid to move or to make a sound until we fell asleep in each others arms.

♫

©

Childhood dreams

Where I grew up on a remote farm in South Africa,
I often would look out the window and wished to go somewhere far,
somewhere exciting.

Little did I know then just how far I would go,
how often I would miss the simplicity of my childhood days

and how exciting my life would be

Life was wonderful

as a child I used to run in fields of green,
my fingers brushing the tips

life was wonderful

For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered.

For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered.

But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written.
We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum.
I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system.
We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives
so well that Death will tremble to take us.

~ Charles Bukowski ~

~

My cousin Mara committed suicide by hanging herself on July 3.

A part of my youth, my memories died as well.
I remember how close we were as children, how we played, laughed,
giggled, were punished, cried ...

and then she had to go and die.

My heart break for her, that her life became so unbearable that hanging herself was the best option, the only option for her. What agony she must have experienced in the weeks and days before she eventually decided to end it all?

I hope it was over quickly.

I wish I was there for her.

We had such dreams, such fun.
I am so grateful for those times,
those days of laughter in the sun.

RIP Mara.

I will remember all the good times, all the perfect days we had.

♥

Every day was a day of miracles and wonders

You live your life gracefully.
What astounds me is your strength, your resilience, and your ability to comfort everyone around you.

You never complain.
You have never fought back against your hardships,
nor have you curled up and surrendered and let yourself be overcome.
You have taken each challenge and moved through it with dignity.

You have adjusted to this life.
You have acclimated yourself to surroundings and made it pleasant
for you and everyone who knows you.
You are everything I could have ever hoped you’d be.
There is nothing you could do to make me feel more proud of you.
If I have one wish left, it is that you will always know how much you are loved.
My love for you is limitless. It comes without shape or condition.
It is without barrier or constraint. It has no floors, no ceilings, no walls or in betweens.
It is the kind of love that surpasses infinity and wraps itself around time and space and distance,
as if it were an unstoppable force with which nothing could interfere.
You are my breath, my soul, my heartbeat.

I love you, my son.

Life

It may scar us,
it may scare us,
but it is way better than the alternative.

♫

Visiting Oupa in Windsorton.

When I was about 5 years old we went to visit my Oupa, who lived in a small village on the banks of the Vaal River in South Africa. My mom and dad, my two bothers and I; we loved going there as my uncle Ben and his wife Suzy lived there as well, with our cousins Mara, Ben, Elsa and Gerhard. The village was called Windsorton, grandiosely named after the House of Windsor. It started out as Hebron, a mission station. Diamonds were discovered in the river and prospectors flooded the village from all corner of South Africa. Oupa was was a diamond digger and we would sit on the river banks, watching him and his workers sort the pebbles to find riches. His house was a big old house with a large front and back porch. The back porch overlooked the river, the front porch facing the street. There was a ghost living in the house as well, but that's another story. Oupa's house had an outhouse, with a bucket which was removed nightly by a horse drawn carriage. On the street side it had a little door, where the bucket person would reach in and lift it out to empty in a big container on the carriage. One bright and sunny day we waited for Oupa to sit down. My brother Igno and cousin Ben took a long stick ... they opened the little back door of the outhouse and tickled his testicles, which was tantalizingly hanging down and swinging, right before our eyes; almost begging to be tickled. It gave us great enjoyment and merriment, but Oupa thought it was a snake and almost had a stroke. I remember how he ran to the house with his pants around his ankles and all of us got the hiding of our lives. ♥